When grandparents divorce grandchildren
may be confused, angry and/or sad about grandparents separating. They may have
questions like, “If they quit loving each other will they quit loving me?” The
questions they ask can be hard to answer and throw you off guard.
My plan was
to give my children a short answer as to why Grandma and Grandpa do not want to
live together anymore, and hope my kids didn’t bring it up again. Unfortunately
the short answer did not satisfy my four year old. He wanted to know if they
would ever get back together, or if we could teach them to get along. When he
visited either of my parents he would be upset because the other grandparent
wasn’t there. I came to find that my child’s response was not uncommon.
To aid in the
grieving process it is good to let children know that the decision to live at separate
houses is final. A child having false hope that their grandparents will move
back together is not good for accepting this change. You can gently tell them
something like, “They tried everything they could and it did not work. Now they
feel the best decision is to live in separate houses.”
It is
important to point out to children that their love from their grandparents will
not change. Just because Grandma and Grandpa do not love each other, it doesn’t
mean that they will quit loving them. Be intentional about having children
spend time with Grandma and Grandpa. This can help children see that Grandma
and Grandpa are still the same.
Children may
be concerned that mom and dad will split up too. My child asked me several
times when I was going to move out like Grandma did. Letting your child know
that just because Grandma and Grandpa separated doesn’t mean mom and dad will
too, can help them not feel this anxiety.
Children
often communicate their anxiety with behaviors. Doing things like drawing
pictures, asking them questions about how they are feeling and reading books
like, “When Grandparents Divorce” can
help children adjust more quickly and reduce any negative feelings they might
have.
For older
children you can address the issues directly. Explain to them what will change
and what will stay the same.
EX: “Grandma
will live at ____, and grandpa will live at _______. Holidays will be like
______. Grandma and grandpa still love you just the same and are excited for
you to come visit them.”
Allow
children of all ages to ask as many questions as they like and try to be open
and honest with them. Avoid talking bad about either grandparent. Keep in mind
as you talk with them that you would like to preserve the relationship between
the grandchild and the grandparent.
Remember these two important tips:
- If you feel like your children are struggling, and you don’t feel like you have all the tools you want to handle it, see a counselor. A counselor or therapist can help your whole family process through this major life change.
- Any child going through a hard time will benefit from extra quality time with a loved one.