1. Keeping Score
- If you are keeping a tally of the nice things you did for your spouse and expecting the score to be even you will be disappointed your whole relationship. The problem with scoring systems is each partner gives themselves more points than the other partner gives them.
- "I took out the garbage 1 point." -Husband
- "He took out the garbage, that is an every day expected thing to do. 0 points." -Wife
- "I did the dishes, took care of the kids, and made supper. 15 points. Hubby owes me big." -Wife
- "Yeah but I went to work. All your points are cancelled out. We are even." -Husband
- As you can see by my above example perspectives rarely line up or come out even. This mentality on marriage is a recipe for conflict and disappointment.
2. Having a Good Memory
- Let the past be the past. If you and your partner came up with a reasonable solution to conflict do not bring it up again. No one can be successful if they are always re-living their mistakes. If it is resolved committed to never bringing it up again. If it is not resolved bring it up in a brainstorming session with determination to win the relationship and resolve the conflict.
3. Using Sex as a Way to Control
- If you start using sex as a tool you have completely missed the point of sex and I am willing to bet your sex life is passionless. Sex in a relationship is meant to bond two people together and be an explanation point on an emotionally charged moment, to express love, and help a couple feel connected. When you start using it to get your way, you take away it's purpose and you encourage your husband to get his sexual needs met a different way, other than you. Using sex to control is a risky and toxic behavior.
4.Choosing the Others Before Your Significant Other
- If your partner knows he/she is the last to be picked if you ever have a choice they are not going to feel valued in the relationship. Even 10-20 years into a relationship your spouse wants to know that you still choose them, you still like them, and want to be with them. This even applies to your kids and work. Do not become obsessed with your work or your kids issues and put your partner on the back burner. You will pay the price later.
5. Talking Bad About Your Spouse in Public
- Complaining about your partner in public is a complete break of trust. You are vulnerable when you are in a relationship. They know all about you and if you want them to be happy and comfortable with that, you better not air their dirty laundry. You need to back them up and praise them in public. This will develop the trust and intimacy you want to have.