Dealing with Trauma

Any therapist or person who has gone through any kind of trauma should read this book. This book walks you through how deal with your trauma, common responses to trauma, and gives you assessments to help identify your particular type of trauma. The author writes in an engaging way that isn't way over people's heads. I would find it hard to believe some one reading this book and not benefiting from it in some way. The book is educational and interactive. It includes stories as well to help you understand the concepts. I highly recommend it!

Anger Management

If you or someone you love has an anger management issue there are a few pieces of information you need to understand. 
1. It is hard to change so you need to be dedicated and serious about making this change. 
2. No one can do it for you. 

Lets look what needs to happen to manage anger. 

1. You need to be able to identify your triggers. If you know what sets you off you can plan for it and prevent it. Prevention is easier that responding afterwards. 

2. You need to know how to calm yourself down once you get there. 
Some techniques include but are not limited to:

·         Deep breathing
Deep breathing is often the keep to calming down and refocusing. Taking a few deep breaths can calm your nerves enough to manage your emotions. 
·         Going to a “happy place”
When breathing and counting isn't enough sometimes thinking of a peaceful place will do the trick to calm you down. 
·         Mantras
Mantras can be helpful when you need to convince yourself it is worth it to say no to your anger. Telling yourself things like "I don't want to hurt people.", "I want to stay out of jail.", or "I don't want to lose this relationship." can help you refocus and regain the strength to tell yourself no.  
·         Leaving the scene until you are calm.
Sometimes we just need to walk away and calm down before it escalates into something bad. This has been the key for many people in managing their anger. 
·         Anger out peace in breathing
Take a deep breath in a picture inhaling peace into your body and then take a deep breath out imagining breathing the anger out as if it is leaving your body. This can help you calm and make you feel like you have the strength to manage this. 
·         Prayer
Praying "God help me please!" is often enough to get through your outrage. People often report their faith or belief in a high power is what got them through difficult life changes. 
·         Distraction
When we obsess about what is making us angry it often grows. Focusing on something else will help us to focus that energy else where so it does not grow. 
    

      3. Remember the rules of conflict resolution. 

       Stick to the problem at hand. 

       Get on the same side of the argument. Work toward a solution.

       Don't be a mind reader and don't expect your partner to be either. 

       Do not move on until you have resolved the conflict. 

       Avoid name calling or blaming. 

       Win the relationship not the argument.

       Apologize for something at the end of an argument if need be. 

Try

Conflict Resolution Rules (updated)

• Stick to the problem at hand. Stay focused on the current problem, and don't accuse your loved one of “always" or "never" behaving a certain way. Putting your partner on the defensive is never productive.

• Get on the same side. Rather than attempting to resolve an issue "my way" or "your way," work toward a solution that represents "our way." Working on a new shared solution is more productive than trying to get your significant other do it your way.

• Don't be a mind reader and don’t expect your partner to be. Discuss your beliefs and expectations openly. Don't try to interpret your spouse's thoughts or motives from his or her behavior; instead, ask direct questions. Likewise, don't expect your spouse to know what you are thinking. This alone will avoid a lot of fights.

• Do not move on until you resolve your conflict. Settling arguments takes hard work and can also take time. It is okay to take a break to calm your emotions down and think, but if you haven't reached an agreement by bedtime, put the matter aside with the understanding that you will resume discussion the next day. Don't leave yourself (or your relationship) vulnerable.

• Avoid name calling or blaming. As you work to resolve conflict, it's okay to talk about circumstances and behavior. However, attacking your partner's personality or character is never acceptable. Use statements like:  “I feel _______ when ________ happens. Could we work together to find a way to solve that?”  If you make it about you, your partner will feel less defensive and more likely to work with you to find a solution.

• Win the relationship not the argument.  When you are motivated to win the relationship rather than the argument you are much more likely to resolve the argument and not do any damage to the relationship.  

• Remember that love keeps no record of wrongs. Be quick to forgive, quick to admit your own mistakes, and quick to move on from the conflict. Do not bring up old conflicts or mistakes your spouse has made. Let the past be the past and work to make a better future.

• Keep your emotions under control. Take a break from the argument if your emotions are at a high intensity. Continue resolving the conflict when you can be calm.  When emotions are too high it is very difficult to solve problems rationally and you are likely to do something you will regret.

• Each partner should apologize for something. No fight is just one person's fault. There is always something to say sorry for and this can have a very healing effect on your relationship. Use this format to say sorry and MEAN THE WORDS YOU SAY:
• "I am sorry for_____________. It was wrong and I will try not to do it again."  When saying sorry never use "but" or any excuse.  
• Ex: "I'm sorry I didn't communicate my hurt feelings in a more respectful way. It was wrong. I will try to do better next time." 

How do you talk to yourself?

Transforming Negative Self Talk With Positive Affirmation

Posted on Mar 14, 2012

from http://refugecenter.org/2012/03/transforming-negative-self-talk-with-positive-affirmation/

Self talk is the internal dialogue within the subconscious mind of an individual. Self talk is the manifestation of our thoughts and beliefs. This habit starts right from the childhood and impacts our various life experiences. Research reveals that 70% of our self talk is negative or self-critical. Negative self talk breeds negative responses and behavior. However, negative self talk habits can be altered for positive changes in life. Positive affirmations are the extraordinary tools to counteract negative beliefs, thoughts and self talk.
A conscious effort must be made to relinquish negative self talk habits and positive statements provide the revitalizing energy. Positive affirmations are the personal short statements that help to derive desired outcomes. They are quintessentially the positive self talks. Our subconscious mind does not recognize the difference between positive and negative thoughts. Thus it can be re-programmed to eliminate negative or self limiting thoughts through feeds of positive statements. Below is a list of positive affirmations that will help you get started. We also encourage you to create your own to be specific to your needs.

Self-Belief
•    I love myself for who I am
•    Fear is only a feeling; it cannot hold me back
•    I know that I can master anything
•    Today I am willing to fail in order to succeed
•    I have the strength to make my dreams come true
•    I trust in myself
•    I am proud of myself for even daring to try
•    Today I put my full trust in my inner guidance
•    I grow in strength with every forward step I take
•    I release my hesitation and make room for victory
•    I can do anything I set my mind to do
•    I like myself better each day
•    I am capable and strong
•    I am a winner
•    I am a deserving human being
•    I am able to easily handle any problem I face

Healthy Body
•    I enjoy exercising more each day
•    I choose to eat healthy food
•    Each day I move closer to my ideal weight
•    I deserve a trim, beautiful, fit & healthy body
•    Today I love my body fully, deeply and joyfully
•    My body has its own wisdom and I trust that wisdom completely
•    My body is simply a projection of my beliefs about myself
•    I am growing more beautiful and luminous every day
•    I choose to see the divine perfection in every cell of my body
•    As I love myself, I allow others to love me too
•    Flaws are transformed by love and acceptance
•    Today I choose to honor my beauty, my strength and my uniqueness
•    I love the way I feel when I take good care of myself
•    Today my own well-being is my top priority
Assertive
•    I state my feelings with confidence
•    I am always treated with consideration and respect
•    I believe in and trust myself
•    I choose to respond to criticism in a constructive way
•    I see criticism as information that empowers me
•    I always feel safe and secure on the inside
•    I graciously accept compliments from others
•    I express my feelings and opinions honestly and openly
•    I have a powerful positive mental attitude
•    I allow others to make their own choices
•    Others may influence my decisions, but the final choice is mine
•    I feel powerful and confident
•    I know that my potential is unlimited
•    My assertiveness enriches my relationships
•    I feel comfortable with the decisions I make
•    My feelings of self esteem are strong
•    My feelings of self worth are strong
•    I have high self confidence
•    I realize I have the right to change my mind

Success
•    I easily achieve my goals
•    I have absolute faith in my success
•    Success in mine to be enjoyed
•    I am successful in all that I do
•    I have everything I need to succeed
•    I am living my dream
•    I am experiencing fantastic success
•    Today I open my mind to the endless opportunities surrounding me.
•    I boldly act on great opportunities when I see them.
•    My intuition leads me to the most lucrative opportunities.
•    An opportunity is simply a possibility until I act on it.
•    Today I see each moment as a new opportunity to express my greatness.
•    I expand my awareness of the hidden potential in each experience.
•    Each decision I make creates new opportunities.
Self-Love
•    I am filled with light, love and peace
•    I treat myself with kindness and respect
•    I give myself permission to shine
•    I honor the best parts of myself and share them with others
•    I am proud of all I have accomplished
•    Today I give myself permission to be greater than my fears
•    I am my own best friend and cheerleader
•    I have many qualities, traits and talents that make me unique
•    I am a valuable human being
•    I love myself just the way I am
•    I love and forgive myself for any past mistakes
•    I look in the mirror and I love what I see
•    I recognize my many strengths

Defense Mechanisms

Many of us have heard of defense mechanism but aren't really sure what they are or how they apply. At times they can be useful to protect us but often we over compensate and use them to the point of pushing people away. 

• Denial: claiming or believing that what is true is actually false.
• At times this can take the form of acting like you just don't know what someone is talking about or claim confusion. Really what is going on underneath the surface is that something triggered an anxiety response and instead of facing it you dodged it with some form of denial. 
• Displacement: redirecting emotions to a replacement target.
• An example of displacement is when you have a bad day and come home and kick the dog. Unfortunately this often takes the form of taking your stress out on your loved ones. This particular defense mechanism breaks up many marriages. It is very important to be aware if you are at risk of doing this so you can be proactive about not unintentionally pushing people away. 
• Intellectualization: taking an cognitive viewpoint.
• Some people using this to block their emotions. They keep things theoretical or they over analyze something just so they can keep it "heady" instead of emotional. It is a way to protect themselves from being vulnerable. This often hurts relationships because these people don't show their emotions often and it can make their partners feel unconnected. 
• Projection: attributing your feelings to others.
• When people use projection it is typically because they are not at peace with what they are feeling. This is done on an unconscious level until you start consciously looking for it. An example of this could be having thoughts of an affairs and then accusing your spouse of cheating on you. 
• Rationalization: creating false but credible justifications for our actions.
• Rationalization is a very powerful and dangerous defense mechanism. Once we justify something, we give ourselves permission do it no matter how bad it is. "It's ok for me to be mean because he's been mean to me all week." Some people are pros at rationalizing their actions. This can be very dangerous. 
• Reaction Formation: overacting in the opposite way to the fear.
• This is a way we try to convince ourselves to feel something we don't. An example of this would include if you hated your co worker but then went out of your way to be very nice and spend a lot of time with them. It is overcompensating in the opposite way that you feel. 
• Regression: going back to acting like child.
• This often shows up in children. In a divorce situation a child who is potty trained may start having accidents or sucking their thumb again. In adults issues you have already overcome maybe become a struggle again in response to a large stressor. 
• Repression: pushing uncomfortable thoughts or blocking them out.
• Many people use this defense mechanism. The belief is, "if I don't think about it, it doesn't hurt." The unfortunate thing about that belief is that is just not true. If you do not deal with your emotions they will come out in another way. Examples include head aches, back aches, high blood pressure, anger issues, depression and anxiety. 

Defense mechanism are important to be aware of because often they are harmful to our relationships. We can start by being conscious of them and then once we recognize them we can change them. Defense mechanism often start because of pain or trauma. Don't be afraid to seek counseling to work through past issues that may be contributing to your defensiveness. There is hope in healing. 

Is Your Relationship Ready for Marriage?

Relationships can be extremely difficult but they can also be very fulfilling. If you want your relationship to be fulfilling you HAVE to do it right. Cutting corners in relationships only leads to conflict and drifting apart rather than toward each other.  Below is a list of things to consider before you get married.

1. Are you faithful to each other?
It may sound obvious but you would be shocked at the number of people who say their vows while being unfaithful. So get this one right, no exceptions. "Open" marriages are not made to last.

2. Have you discussed your expectations for marriage and life together?
Many people picture marriage different than their spouses do and then get married and are severely disappointed. Communicate your expectations before you even get engaged. Make sure your expectations are compatible. If they are not try to find middle ground that works for both of you. If you cannot do that do not get married.


3. How well can you communicate?
Marriage REQUIRES good communication. Throw away guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior and assumptions. If he/she does something right, tell them. If you have hopes for an anniversary tell them. If you are upset, tell them and don't just expect them to figure it out. TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK. Do not blame. Fight for the relationship, not to win the argument.

4. Have you figured out how to manage your money?
Money can be a huge source of conflict. It is stressful if you don't have an effective plan or if you are not on the same page. See a financial counselor if you are not able to figure out a solid plan on your own.

5. Are you closer to your parents that your potential spouse.
The bible was on to something when it said you should leave your parents and attach to your spouse. It causes huge marital issues when you go to your parents for companionship and help more than your spouse. Make sure your spouse is your best friend, not your mom.

6. Have you worked through any trust issues?
Trust/insecurity issues can put big wedges in relationships. Make sure you are working toward solving this before you get married. If your marriage starts with trust issues and you are not working on it, it is not likely to last. A good marriage requires trust.

7. Can you communicate about sex?
Sex, in laws and money are the top three biggest marital issues. Make sure you can communicate about sex. It can be amazing or it can be horrible. Communication around this topic will help lead which direction your sex life will go. Don't be afraid to see a counselor if you have been sexually abused in the past and are struggling in the area. Make sure your sex life is love/each other based not lust based.

8. Are you committed?
Couples that view marriage as a life long commitment are more likely to work through issues than couple who view divorce as an option. As un-romantic as it sounds, being stuck with someone for the rest of your life is motivation to be nice to them. It is a rather simple concept with big implications.

If you feel like you are solid in all of these areas you might be a great candidate for marriage. Marriage should be taken seriously. I strongly recommend every couple going through pre marital counseling to make sure there are not any issues left un-turned. If you do struggle in some of the above stated areas it doesn't mean you cannot get married, it just means you have some things you should work on first. Working on  your relationship is the best gift you can give to each other. Do it right and reap the benefits.